I recently read (ok, listened to in the car) The Parent Trap: How to stop overloading parents and fix our inequality crisis by Nate Hilger which is a very clear depiction of the state of Western culture (at least US and UK culture – shout out to my Scandinavian-living sister who has had a very different experience…) and how parents are asked to do everything for their young children – because we don’t pay for quality early childhood education – and work full time so that they can afford to live, without ever letting on that they have little kids.
The book is eye-opening and validating – both as a parent who turns to the iPad to ensure dinner is made and laundry is done, and as a professor, who has recently started teaching into a new program for early childhood professionals who don’t have a bachelor’s degree. This book reminded me of how essential early childhood professionals are to the future or our kids and our society. And reminded me of the impossible task we ask of parents.
I’m teaching one of my favorite courses right now, called Attention, Learning and Technology, where I take an interdisciplinary approach to the intersection between these three topics. My students recently discussed issues of tech use with young children, and even older kids, and we got into a long conversation about how we have created a society with very few supports for parents, and very many criticisms with how parents manage to raise kids in the current society.
Do we over-enroll our kids in extra-curricular activities because we’re scared they won’t have every opportunity to compete with other kids? Yes
Do we use screens as baby-sitters because both parents work full time, and we need fifteen minutes to discuss the next week’s schedule with our spouse? Yes
Do we spend weekends running around from one activity to the next to make our kids feel loved, because we live so far from extended family? Yes
But as Nate Hilger asks, what choice do we have? We don’t live close to family, we don’t have time to find a community to support us, we can’t rely on early childhood care or education to provide the resources our children need. His book is a call to a wider political and cultural shift. For now, I just ask for patience – with ourselves and others – and a reminder that when we get more than 5 hours of sleep a night, to pay attention to those who come after us.
Yep I can fully vouch for the completely different attitude to families here in Sweden versus where we spent the first almost 5 years of parenthood in London (where we were crippled by nursery bills for 2 kids, juggling work demands, constantly rushing and overscheduling)
They really do pay nursery and school teachers properly, offer very good benefits to both parents over the first 8 years of kids lives and there is an acceptance from employers that everyone (not just parents) have lives outside of the office.
The taxes are enormous. It’s what pays for a state that functions pretty well and takes care of people during the vulnerable times in their lives…like getting ill, getting made redundant, having small kids.
Other countries need big changes and putting individuals ahead of corporations is essential. As you say, patience with ourselves, kindness to ourselves and to other parents. Everyone is doing their best in a system not set up to look after everyone.